Category Archives: Overheard

Overheard at the Dinner Party

(WARNING: Not for the faint of heart. I go to some pretty gangsta dinner parties, it would seem.)

Man: No, seriously, it’s true. If you feed the ducks it causes mass duck rape. Too many of the males are kept alive and they’ll get desperately aggressive during mating season and you’ll see hordes of males ganging up to pursue a single female duck.

Woman 1: He’s right. The biologists confirm it, and I’ve seen it, too. It’s really sad – they’re terrorizing the poor females.

Man: Yes, and often the rape is so brutal that the female will get killed during the act.

Woman 2: Well, at least that female duck dies happy then.

Everyone: !!!!!!!

Woman 2: What??

——————————————

Woman medical student: I don’t think blood or vomit is the worst thing you can get on you while working. For me it’s the grease from the autopsies. That happened to me the other day.

Man: The grease?

Woman medical student: Yeah, this grease that you put on the body you’re cutting open, to keep it fresh.

Man: So we’re talking corpse grease here? Oh, Christ… And how exactly does this get on you anyway?

Woman medical student: Well, sometimes you just get it on you, if you’re unlucky. And I was the other day – I was late for class, so all the good bodies were taken and they gave me the fattest one.

The little skeptics

Minister (to a group of children at Christmas Eve mass): “…And do you know who the little baby in the manger was?”

Children: Jesus!

Minister: “Indeed! And I suppose you know who his mother was, too?”

Children: Mary!

Minister: “That’s right! How clever you are. And then I’m sure you know who his father was, too?”

Children: Joseph!!

Overheard in church yesterday. I seriously don’t think a single one of the children answered “God!”. It was hilarious.

Overheard at party

Guy: Tosca is such a treacherous bitch, revealing to Scarpia where Angelotti is hiding. Mario told her not to do it, and she goes and does it anyway!

Girl: Oh, come on! Are you telling me you wouldn’t have done that? When your boyfriend was being tortured and you believed it to be the only way to make it stop?

Guy: Yes! I never would have told Scarpia if I’d made a promise to my boyfriend not to. I would have been all “The flesh is weak, and my Mario is fighting for something bigger than him and me.” All noble like that.

Girl: Seriously? Huh. I would have spilled the beans all over the place the second I heard Mario scream. I would have done exactly what Tosca did in that situation. Well, except for the part where she kills Scarpia. I probably would have just gone ahead and slept with him.

Guy: Oh, me too, with the sleeping with Scarpia thing. I would have told Scarpia nothing, and then I would have slept with him.

(It was an awesome party.)

Overheard at the Public Library

I was having a bad day today. No particular reason, really – I actually had an oral exam today, thus completing a project management course I’ve been taking, and I even did quite well at it. But I was in a lousy mood  all the same, and then I got hit by a car. I’m alright, nothing happened, the driver was ok, too, and was really nice and apologetic about it, but still. Hit by a freakin’ car. That’s a bad day, right there.

Anyway, when I was hit by that car I was on my way to the public library, and I’m glad I went, because I had an experience that really brightened my day and basically made it worth it to have been hit by that car. It started when my eyes were caught by the cover of a book that the librarians had, for reasons beyond me, put on display. The book was this:

(VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED! RACY COVER ART AHOY!)

(NO, SERIOUSLY, IF YOU’RE NOT YET 18 OR JUST REALLY SENSITIVE, STOP SCROLLING.  THERE BE SEMI-VISIBLE NIPPLES AND STUFF.)

(OKAY, BUT I DID WARN YOU)

“Werewolf in a Thong”, the title reads, in Danish. Werewolf. In a thong.

This would have been enough to make my day, in and of itself. Clearly this cover is worthy of a Judge a Book entry, and I was delighted to see someone within the New Gothic Fiction Industry who seems to acknowledge that, yes, they’re basically just writing porn there. Vampire and werewolf porn, yes, but essentially porn. Like, “Yeah, we know that some readers appreciate the fact that we reference and imitate a certain literary genre that dates back to the 18th century. But we also realise that most of our readers are just waiting for that vampire to take off his shirt and get freaky”.

But then it got even better, because scarcely had I moved on from admiring this amazing piece of cover art, before I heard the following conversation behind me:

Five-or-six-year-old boy: “Mummy, what’s that?”
Mother: “Um, it’s… It’s a werewolf.”
Five-or-six-year-old boy: “Ah, ok. So, the body is human, and…” *voice trembling with delight* “Butt-cheeks!!”
Mother: “Yes. But we have to go pick up that book now, the library’s closing in ten minutes.” *starts to drag off boy*
Five-or-six-year-old boy: “But I want to look at butt-cheeks!!”
Mother: “No, we have to-”
Five-or-six-year-old: “Butt-cheeks!!!
Mother: *sigh* “Ok, fine. Tell you what: I‘ll go loan my book. And you can stay here, and you can look at the butt-cheeks.”

Awesome.

Three Guesses as to the Gender of the Professor

Professor: Now, we know for a fact that the flesh-and-blood writer of this story is a woman. But at what point in the story did you realize that the narrator is actually male?

Girl student: Well, for me it was something very specific. I mean, when the narrator talks about having had oral sex with a woman and describes the sensationof the roof her mouth as “hard and warm”, I figure it would pretty much have to be a man.

Professor: Uh, yes. Yes, very good point. And that’s… that’s… that’s a darn good observation for a female writer to make, by the way…

– Faculty of Humanities, University of Copenhagen

/marie

Best Bit of Conversation I’ve Overheard in a Long Time

Woman: …Yes, I suppose one would need a seperate student identification card for the School of Life, wouldn’t one?

– Registration Counter at the Royal Library of Copenhagen

Schubert: “Okay, for this I am SO sending the Erlkönig over tonight, beeyatch.”

Five-year-old boy pointing to drawing of dog, excitedly: …And this is Schubert!!

– Charlottenlund Fort Restaurant, Charlottenlund

overheard by

/marie